I have openly refused to view my position as any form of opportunity. That’s a horrible concept. However, in recent weeks, I have realized that I only have two options in this situation: 1) I continue to openly refuse growth, change, and life, therefore breaking my promise and becoming endlessly bitter, angry and cold; or 2) I embrace my emotional courage and breathe acceptance in an effort to begin living again, not just existing.
I have embraced my courage.
Although a painfully difficult decision to make, this has proven to be an interesting turn of events. And, however nervous I may be, I’m not backing down. I am being given an opportunity and I feel like I need to take it. Currently, I am treading a path ever so foreign to me. My time for learning, it seems, is merely just cracking its dawn. But this one…this one I can learn a tremendous amount from.
As you well know from my previous entries, my relationship with my husband was beautiful, yet difficult. He was an extremely intense spirit. I adored him immensely for his authenticity and truth. However, he could be as mesmerizing, unpredictable and harsh as the sea. With such power and force, I evolved. I had to.
At first it was my ability to cope with such consistent intensity. Then it morphed into defense mechanisms that began to form over the emotional keloids earned during the storms. I began to change the entirety of me just to survive his fire. My Aries.
This, however, now has me quietly concerned about my capacity to be my true self in a situation that would have ordinarily brought out a developed response due to repetitive battles based on ego and misunderstandings. In short, I want so badly to be healthy enough for what’s happening in my life, because it’s wonderful, so far. I am worried that I am not quite as mentally and emotionally healthy as I would like. The last…15 years have been extremely trying. The last one in particular has been a fucking doozy.
Here it is. A beautiful spirit has drifted into my world and I am truly enjoying them. They’re vivid, endearing, hilarious, aware, open-minded, willing, transparent, connected, strong, balanced. They are the solo bird dancing on the wind atop the world and I am fixated. Engulfed. Curious. I crave their presence.
They are also healthy of mind, body and spirit. I am not their equal. They have far surpassed my recent experience and, therefore, my current education level. I’m not perfect, which I appreciate. I am, however, working on unlearning a number of coping and defense mechanisms that I KNOW do not serve me. I just hope I can do it quickly and flawlessly. Lol! Oh crap! I’m screwed aren’t I?
Let him be patient through understanding and compassion. I have no clue who I am anymore. I need to relearn that side of me. For as badly as I want this, the effort will match the desire for clarity. I hope he sees me.
Here I am.
To my beautiful spirit, I will always offer everything I have no matter the moment, from the depths of who I am because I could never be anything less. I am endlessly honest, genuine, passionate and loyal. I can weather nearly any storm. The only that can bring me to my knees is the battle to relearn life. So, forgive my humanness when it quietly takes over. Know that I am on an internal pilgrimage that will bring forth the strongest me I could have hoped for. She will be worth the wait.
The Rhythm of Her 