A Letter to My Heart

I love you. I love you in a way no other ever could. Why? Because I understand you in a way no one ever will. More than anything, however, I am sorry. I am sorry for every single aching situation I have forced you through. I’m sorry for dreaming beyond reality and insisting your belief […]

Oh, My Dear Journal,

I’m a mess right now. I had a dream about David just before my alarm went off that is making me feel endlessly empty and incredibly broken. I had a dream that I couldn’t get to him but seeing him is all I wanted. I woke up not being able to see him…again. Every other […]

Haiku Called Reality

Down the rabbit hole With its never ending fall Down and down it goes

Haiku Called Nothing

I can’t fucking sleep Grief in relentless pursuit Of my sanity

Haiku Called Lonely

If you hold my heart Up to your ear I believe You’d hear the ocean

Life’s Reckoning

Get up Get up and move Your time of sorrow must shift It must evolve You cannot lay on the floor forever You cannot cry forever And no one is coming to save you This is your journey No one else’s So find your legs Knowing they will buckle Find your courage Knowing it will […]

Watching Clouds

Laying, nestled in the tall grass The cold ground seeping through my shirt I am dreaming again in the sun The warm air smells of the sea The day drenched in your summer light Heavy sighs of longing How I wish what I dreamed was real Watching the clouds form Watching the stories blow across […]

Streak in the Sky

Cold, crisp, clear The morning is breaking through Creating space in my being Allowing life to take hold I lose myself in the scenery Gleaming, heavenly light A gentle gold cutting the sky The silhouette of the mountains Tearing through the horizon Giving me calm Giving me stillness Needing the halt All has become entrenched […]

To the Moon

Searching, floating, flying Wanting something more Needing something real Giving myself to destiny Pushing through chaos Rolling in my dreams How can I resist? I need something more I need to feel again Am I able? Trying to build my strength Finding my legs I want to stand Give me the courage My heart is […]

The Poem

The deepest of reds Saturating the surface With its loops, crosses and scribbles Forming the story Spilling from the source My pen scratches your page Revealing my secrets Expressing of self Releasing my buried heart Wording Hemingway There’s nothing to writing Just sit at a typewriter and bleed And bleed And bleed

The Solstice

Night creeps up quickly The cold and quiet settle in I find myself upon the floor Captured by my gusting thoughts Weighted in emptiness Hours I have layed Hours I have dwelled Wrapped in memories of you No matter the time passed No matter the endless distance between us I see you clearly in my […]

Haiku Called _____________

Life fucks with your plans It’s never what you hope for Now I drink, thanks life

Haiku for My Heart

My loneliness is Swallowing me whole, I think I’m losing this war

Spoken in Silence

Thoughts Endless, racing, unforgiving thoughts I have replayed what I shouldn’t I have lost my will to dreams Wishing for you Calling for you All to nothing Driven by a fool’s heart Which way is up? Sense becomes subjective Reality defines itself Facing an empty universe Standing against time alone I wish you were here

Echo

Reverberating silence fills my senses Unending quiet Unmovable stillness I cannot change what is happening Space has torn down the barriers Time has decimated change The vastness expands around me Swallowing me into oblivion Nothing of what has been plead Nothing of what has been promised No balance No give and take Just take And […]

Midnight Blues

It’s cold and still A light layer of clouds dusting the view Silhouettes Everything is a silhouette And all cloaked in silence The only sound is my heart throbbing inside my head It’s so cold It’s always fucking cold now Slowly I navigate the quiet realm My movement stirring the stillness Meandering about finding only […]

Silence in the Reverie

You told me once That you will be waiting for me Waiting in my land of dreams Waiting in the desert So I went there On a long journey It took me days Now it never leaves my mind The painted world has washed my reality I dream in hues of golden orange and dusty […]

A Haiku Called Angry

He’s my fucking light I still can’t believe he’s gone How could you do it?

That Damn Stairwell

When I was living in Makaha, nearly half the time I was there, I had a recurring dream. One. Over and over and over again for almost 2 years. It was disquieting because I knew it represented something but I still don’t know what. And now it’s back. I keep dreaming about a large building, […]

Scripturient

Oasis of mind Silencing the torrent Release of perspective Offers freedom from obsession I cannot refrain Hidden or offered Spirit finds expression Unlocking the cage Cutting the restraints Catching the wind The only way I can No confidant No loving solace Just me and my words Thoughts formulated Create my reality Reality is an illusion

…Hi Journal

Apparently, I don’t actually like watching tv. I never do it anymore. David and I would watch movie after movie constantly. We called our home our “Hobbit Hole” and never really wanted to leave. We felt safe there. For many reasons I won’t bore you with. But watching films was our thing. Not good films. […]

The Rhetoric

Don’t waste your breath Save your time “How are you?” “Oh I’m fine…” The expected exchange But it’s not real I’m not fine Thats not how I feel I do my part I put on the show If I smile enough They’ll never know Just how much I miss you Or how much it kills […]

Dearest Journal,

I learned something about myself today. I have been swimming in my thoughts of David that I hadn’t realized other things had begun to fester, unattended to. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first. But then it came into focus.There’s an endless nagging within my spirit. Something that just won’t let up. Am […]

The Despondent Heart

It seemed so Only for awhile though That I would see What life could be Maybe finding joy In the endless void Instead of regret But now I forget Oh so long ago There was no way to know That I couldn’t escape This wretched fate Lost and alone Never find my way home It’s […]

Oh, Dear Journal,

There have been a fair few developments since my last journal entry. I got a job. Back in my old industry, which is what I wanted. I’m grateful. And there have been some decent changes making the transition back that much more manageable. I’m going back to work for the first time in about 10 […]

Unsent

I wrote it all down Everything I need you to know I put it into a letter for you It’s more personal that way I think Read again and again Making sure it feels right Not too much emotion Poignant yet gentle I read it one last time It’s perfect With a soft heave of […]

Pilgrimage

Cursed with reason Blessed with cause My quest begins With an endless journey ahead I begin to put one foot in front of the other Traversing time Spanning the universe Split soles Split soul I will walk forever Just for a moment of understanding For a glimpse of truth Give me my solace The reward […]

The Translation

Servio non proposito in hac vita iam Solum hominem, qui potuit videre me nunc abiit Mea solum significatione reliquit cum David Quia non vult aliquid aliis Si aliquis translates mea nuntius Placere scire ego gratiam propter conatus Sed dubito aliquis tollet tempore Non enim me

The Droplets

Sitting on the porch Under your canopy Wrapped in silence Watching the afternoon storm roll in Soft winds to gusting blusters Gentle mists to heavy droplets This is one of Florida’s best moments The breeze is cool but sticky The Spanish Moss dances in the wind Slowly the beat of the rain intensifies to a […]

Oddities

My world is spinning so quickly I keep losing my grip And now I don’t know where I am On the road to finding myself again On the road to where? I don’t know When I was young, and couldn’t sleep from the heat, my dad would sit next to me and talk me into […]

Be Kind. Rewind.

I’ve been here before Over and over again But the feeling is always as intense As if it’s first Running blind through the dark In the wrong direction I know nothing And nothing definitely knows me A traveller from another time Lost in your realm I can’t let go Losing my caution Ripped by the […]

My Dearest Journal,

Two in one day. I obviously have a lot on my mind. I have landed and I am here. In Florida. So it gets better? Obviously! A few things about my travels. The Spanish Latte was AWESOME! Not a particular fan of flying Southwest. Sort of felt like flying with Walmart. Meh. And please close […]

Hello, Again, Dear Journal

Well. I’m awaiting yet another leg of my weird, new journey. Heading to Tampa (ugh) to see my family. I am genuinely attempting to avoid acknowledging why I’m going to Tampa. I can’t handle THAT much “stuff” in this small amount of time. There will be some interesting aspects of this next trip., however. As […]

Luna

When I was a child I spent a tremendous amount of time by myself. My solitude helped me in many ways, one of them being the depth of my imagination. It’s remarkable. I didn’t say good, mind you. Just remarkable. A benefit of my deep imagination is it causes me to look at the world […]

Hi Journal…

Is it wrong to say I’m lonely? I went from spending every single day with someone to not seeing them or speaking with them at all. Ever. Endless conversation to going hours upon hours without saying a single word. Planning for two to doing for one. Seeing you anytime then I open my eyes to […]

Withered

What else can I say That I haven’t already said My feelings haven’t changed Nor the thoughts in my head A heart destroyed Spirit torn apart How can I go on Without your beautiful heart Left to this world Alone on the path I would have gone with you But you didn’t even ask Memories […]

The Promise

I knew then why I did it I can’t remember why now I am desperately trying to recall Because I need that remembrance Or I won’t make it through this I am staring destiny in the face And I am asking it why Destiny What an absurd concept Predetermined to disappoint I can’t believe you’re […]

Dear, Dear Jorunal

I have never, in my entire life, had the luxury of traveling well. Today I do. Mind you, my decision to spend more than most is purely based off of trauma and the desperate need for reprieve. I am allowed, so say others, the right to FINALLY take some time to myself and feel how […]

Waiting

Bright lights, shiny tile walkways, sterile scent of retail Slowly I stroll through Vacant spaces filled with an arid anxiousness A small crowd forms around a sharp corner So I find a quiet place at an empty gate, settling in I swirl my cold coffee cup between my fingers in absence Feeling the icy condensation […]

Gone

As I sit here waiting for my world to shift I am taking in every single second of this moment Breathing in the memories Reveling in the trades Absorbing the rush of the breeze blowing through my being I sit mesmerized by the shadows of clouds Adding deep hues of emerald to the carved peaks […]

Solum

It’s a tad mind boggling how utterly and completely alone I feel. I understand I have spoken of loneliness before. This is different. I can openly acknowledge that, prior to this, I was speaking in romantic ignorance. The loneliness I speak of now…cannot be described. It can only be experienced. I feel so endlessly hollow […]

A Word

This is not important This will not change history I merely have something to say… …my heart won’t stop hurting

Tiny Shards

I sit in my crowded little room I take a deep breath I run through my lines in my mind I practice my smile in the dingy mirror I ready myself for the crowd I step out into the the light of the world I give them what they came for I watch them leave […]

A Letter From the Lost

I am utterly incapable of comprehending any of this. Nothing in me can believe you’re gone, my love. How can this be happening? One moment we are in each others bliss, the next…I am alone. This is something I will never understand, or accept. I’m spinning in fucking circles. I keep seeing you. In every […]

Forlorn

I rest my thoughts upon my palm And give in to my reality Comprehension eludes at every turn Still I wonder deeper into the unknown… Alone Countless years, hours turned to millennia Time will trudge on But all the voyages of heart, flourishing of soul Be done by your will Be done by my love […]

Nights of Remember

As twilight creeps in Exhaustion devours me Yet sleep still evades me My mind races in circles You are my only thoughts Upon the floor Anchored in sorrow Awashed in moonlight Still Silent As if the world has stopped As if time has learned to forgive I can feel the floor pressing into me, The […]

Again

I will never touch your face Or feel your warmth I will never hear your stories Or stoke your dreams I will never stave off your fears Or reassure your heart I will never feel your deep understanding Or hold your gaze in silence I will never lie helpless with you Or be vulnerable in […]

Sleeping with Ghosts

I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I am not strong enough. And even if I were I almost refuse to be…for this. How can anyone ask me to be strong through this? Because they have no idea the depth of our love for one another. No one will ever understand but […]

Immeasurable

Your love Your light Your hope Your compassion Your beauty Your depth Your majesty The pain The anguish The sorrow The hopelessness The emptiness The loneliness The heartbreak

Empty

I can’t do this How am I supposed to do this” Going on without purpose Going on without you I’m broken How can I go on? How can I be anymore? Nothing has a point anymore The pain has consumed me My soul is dead My light is gone I’m empty

Silence

Sitting in space without course Navigating through the dark by searching for stars Drifting amongst dreams within reality Lost in the silence Guided by nothing All angles and all views Everything is the same Longing for hope by praying for answers Energy rips through splitting the soul Hollow vessel increases the void All is bound […]